i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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