i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
