she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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