my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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