I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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