Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
