Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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