My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
