So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The best revenge is premature balding
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
