That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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