it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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