took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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