I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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