My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
