Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
