First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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