My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
