Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
