My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
