I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
