i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
