I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
worst night to have a conscience
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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