How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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