yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
