Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You can't motorboat a personality
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
