she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
