The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize