i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
