I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
