who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
