Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
we should paint friendship bongs
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