This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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