The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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