Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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