Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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