Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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