I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
