dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
false alarm, still single
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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