If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
