Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
