so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize