There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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