It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
