I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
