is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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