i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize