I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
