I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize