I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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