my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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