Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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