Is it normal to miss your booty call?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
