Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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