Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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