Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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