I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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