Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
