ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
