just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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