tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
