So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
