i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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