My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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