im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
