so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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