dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
