all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
