Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
