i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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