She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
