Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
