Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
